Janesville64.3°

High capacity: What’s not to like?

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Rick Horowitz
January 18, 2011

Just so you know: There are plenty of perfectly good reasons to buy high-capacity magazines for your favorite firearm. Unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced my list.


So we’ll have to figure out some of those perfectly good reasons for ourselves. Feel free to chime in—it’s like the ammo makers always say: The more, the merrier.


Ready? Here we go:


High-capacity magazines are the only way to defend yourself if you’re ever attacked by a high-capacity pack of wolves.


High-capacity magazines let you create your own decorative doilies for festive occasions.


High-capacity magazines help you qualify more quickly for the airlines’ Frequent Plugger programs.


High-capacity magazines provide a built-in margin for error for nearsighted folks and people with a poor sense of direction.


The extra length of the high-capacity magazine lets you hang your favorite gun right there on the coat rack in the front hallway—no more forgetting to take it with you on those weekly grocery outings.


They’re a great way to organize all those loose bullets you’ve got lying around the house.


They make great paperweights.


That long-black-rectangle shape is very fashion-forward.


High-capacity magazines let your neighbors know you mean business. (Maybe now they’ll turn down the damn stereo.)


We live in a fast-paced world—high-capacity magazines can save you crucial seconds when you’re mowing down a crowd of strangers.


If college students don’t have a way to work out their aggressions now, they could turn into antisocial adults.


Some people just have more enemies than other people do.


The Second Amendment doesn’t say a word about banning high-capacity magazines, so what’s the problem?


They’re the perfect size to level up the dresser in the kids’ bedroom.


Rattlesnakes are getting better at taking evasive action—high-capacity magazines make it a fair fight.


When you need to teach that jerk down the hall a lesson, high-capacity magazines help you get your message across.


The vast majority of people who purchase high-capacity magazines have no psychological problems at all.


In a time of economic hardship, high-capacity magazines keep employment levels up in the all-important funeral-home industry.


They’re an excellent emergency doorstop.


They’re the “gift that keeps on giving.”


They’re so simple to use, even a child can do it.


There’s never a militia around when you need one.


If the government ever decides that having that many bullets is dangerous, you’ll have that many bullets to keep those government agents off your property.


High-capacity magazines let you prove once and for all that yours is bigger than his.


If high-capacity magazines are outlawed, only outlaws will have the chance to shoot up shopping malls.


The Founding Fathers were probably packing, too.


High-capacity magazines don’t kill people—people with high-capacity magazines kill people.


Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.

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