Janesville46.3°

The responsible party? Just ask them!

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Rick Horowitz
August 25, 2011
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“…and the phone lines are open, so let’s get it rolling with Roger in Rabidville. Good morning, Roger!”


“Good morning, Gush! I’m calling about the earthquake, and all the damage and the cracks in all those buildings and all, and what I want to know is, where was Obama?”


“Well, according to…”


“You don’t have to tell me—I know where Obama was: He was out on the golf course! I mean, you’ve got the Capitol shaking, and the Washington Monument has all these cracks, and Obama was off golfing somewhere! And we’re still paying this guy’s salary?!”


“You nailed it, Rog—our quote commander-in-chief unquote was completely AWOL when the earthquake hit. Unless you think a golf course on Martha’s Vineyard is the White House Situation Room.”


“Exactly!”


“Or maybe he had the secret nuclear codes in his putter.”


“Exactly!! And I’ll bet he was using his phone to order pizza or something. He’s supposed to be protecting us, not running around on vacation all the time!”


“Well…”


“So Congress definitely needs to investigate!”


“No question—as soon as they’re back from their August recess. Thanks for the call, Rog—and we’ve got Pete on the line from Partisan Falls. Hey, Pete!”


“Hey, Gush—thanks for taking my call.”


“Sure thing. What’s on your mind this morning?”


“I couldn’t agree more with your last caller. You know, it’s not like earthquakes don’t ever happen, so Obama can be all like, ‘Oh, it caught me by surprise!’ There’s earthquakes all the time—and even on the East Coast! The last one this big on the East Coast was just, what, 70 years ago?”


“Only a blink, geologically speaking.”


“See what I mean? So he’s saying wasn’t he ready for it? I mean, I heard where the animals in the National Zoo—they all knew it was coming! The birds, and the lions, and even the gorillas and the monkeys…”


“Careful, Pete! The lamestream media goes ballistic when you even mention ‘monkeys’ and ‘Obama’ in the same sentence.”


“All I meant was…”


“You watch, though. You watch ’em make a big fuss—‘There they go, playing the race card again!’ You think I’m kidding, right?”


“Meanwhile, how about all the stuff they said about Bush? ‘Pet goat’ this, ‘Pet goat’ that!”


“Double standard?”


“Oh, totally! You’re not allowed to say anything negative about this guy, or you’re some kind of racist or something!”


“What ever happened to free speech?—that’s what I’m wondering. Hey, thanks for the call! And we’ve got Tina from up in Teapot. G’morning, Tina!”


“G’morning, Gush—great show! I think he did it deliberately.”


“Did what?”


“Obama. I think he started the earthquake to, you know, for a distraction. So people wouldn’t be talking about all the unemployment.”


“Interesting! And how do you figure he…”


“You know, all those government scientists—the geologists and everyone. I’ll bet they have ways of getting those, those geographical plates to shift anytime they want ’em to. So then if people are out of work, he can say, ‘See, it’s nothing we could plan for—it was all the earthquake’s fault!’ See what I mean?”


“Well, this White House is certainly desperate enough to pull that kind of stunt. And who’s gonna stop them, Eric Holder?”


“And this hurricane thing—same thing with this Hurricane Irene thing! It’s all just a distraction, so Obama can get re-elected!”


“You think so?”


“Absolutely! Why else would there be such a big hurricane right now, in the middle of the summer, when he’s behind in all the polls? It’s so completely obvi…”


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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.

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