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The latest news from crackpot nation

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Rick Horowitz
April 28, 2011

When I woke up Thursday morning, all the birthers had disappeared.


Before they disappeared, though, they’d left behind a note signed by each and every one of them. They were wrong, they admitted, to have questioned the facts about the president’s birthplace. Their concerns, they now realized, were thoroughly unfounded. They were embarrassed for having been taken in by such foolishness. And they apologized for stirring up all the fuss and wasting the country’s time.


Some of them had even attached a P.S. to the note: They’d been so unsettled, they admitted, by the very idea of an American president whose skin tone was darker than their own that they’d latched onto anything they could find that might disqualify him and make him go away. They realized now that their reactions were beneath them—were un

-American, in fact—and they sincerely regretted any harm their groundless charges might have done to the president or his family or anyone else.


You want to believe something unbelievable? Believe that!
Or believe this:

When I woke up Thursday morning, all the politicians who had stirred up the birthers had disappeared, too. They’d left behind a press release.


They’d never believed any of this nonsense to begin with, they admitted, but keeping the true believers energized sure made for good politics. The more they could de-legitimize Obama, they’d decided, the less chance he’d have of doing what people elected him to do. The more time he had to spend swatting down rumors, the less time he’d have to actually do his job.


And if these politicians had never quite said the rumors were true, neither had they lifted a finger, they’d had to concede, to debunk them once and for all. To call the rumors out for the nonsense they knew they were. When they’d said instead that it wasn’t their

job to tell people what to think, it was nothing but a wink and a nod to the craziest of the crazies, and all to gain some political advantage. They realized now that their strategy was contemptible—even dangerous, in so many ways—and they begged the country for forgiveness.


You want to believe something unbelievable? Try believing that!
Or this:

When I woke up on Thursday morning, the media types who’d hyped the birther story had disappeared, too. All that was left of them was a video on YouTube.


They’d failed their profession, they wanted us to know, and they’d failed their nation. Giving such prominence to such rubbish had been a terrible decision, they now recognized, whether they had done it to pump up the ratings or out of some misguided sense of journalistic “balance.”


Someone saying something ridiculous isn’t news, they’d finally come to understand; it’s simply someone saying something ridiculous. They had no more obligation to give that person a platform that they would the random ravings of a homeless man on a park bench. Noise was not the same thing as news—they understood that now—and they promised to remember it the next time somebody tried to gin up another false controversy. In the meantime, they wanted everyone to know how sorry they were for having fallen so short of their own standards and ideals.


You want to believe something unbelievable? Try believing that!
Or this:

When I woke up Thursday morning, Fox News and Donald Trump were still in business, and still yapping away.


That you can believe.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.

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